I have this horrible habit of thinking “I’m not good enough”, when I know better. When it comes to writing and expressing how I feel…I know no one can do it better than me. I’ve been having some very insightful text conversations with boy CJ from #NT about what it is that I want to do! Now that I’m unemployed I have a HUGE amount of time to try and figure out what my next move is.
I’ve been telling him that I want to write, I want to get back into journalism/communications which is what I originally went to school for in the first place. Last night during our conversation I was telling him that I was thinking about maybe submitting an article…but that I was hesitant. I started going into how I miss writing and singing (yes I can sing)…but I’ve lost the desire, that I lack a reason to. So when I told him that I was still on the fence about writing the article he responded “Give Me One Reason Why You Shouldn’t? Challenge Yourself!”
Honestly, I don’t have a real valid reason why I shouldn’t write the article and submit it. It’s just that I lack confidence in my craft sometimes. I lack the want, the need and the desire…even though deep deep DEEP down I want to go back to being creative. I want to go back to writing poetry, stories, plays and music. I miss singing…and actually enjoying my own voice. People close to me always ask why I don’t write or sing anymore “What happened to Courtney? You use to love to write, you use to love to sing!” And I tell them “I simply stopped caring for it when my daddy died”, which is what it was.
When my dad died two weeks into my senior year in 2003, I honestly stopped caring about everything. It’s amazing that I even graduated from high school! I no longer had a desire to write, sing and eat…HELL I even lost the desire to live. Since then I’ve been in a creative “FUNK”. It’s going on what now…8 years and still haven’t gained back that full “DESIRE” to be creative. But the calling in the pit of my stomach…you can say my soul…has been getting louder, and I think it’s time its voice gets heard.
So once again…I’m back to blogging *sigh* I have no idea what about…hopefully it just comes to me, and I have something interesting to say. Hopefully this wouldn’t end up being another failed blog *crosses fingers* I PROMISE TO KEEP THIS UP…TO KEEP WRITING…TO KEEP CREATING! I can’t promise that it will be everyday, nor every week. But I’m keep it up, I hope to use this as my platform to show what it is that I can do and also a way of having something to look back on when I finally make it…in whatever it is! Well I have to go…my underarms stink and it’s like 8:12 in the AM and I still have yet to be asleep. PEACE!