When shit gets to real…I run. I’m a runner…what can I say? I rather just leave then have to deal with the disappointment that may or may not take place, and well really I rather not find out…Good or Bad.
I’m so use to things not working out that when they do, I usually find some way to fuck things up… subconsciously of course…but it’s still my fault.
So knowing all of this, I’ve been trying to change…but it’s been hard. It seems like I can deal with disappoint and failed attempts a lot better than I can with something turning out great and success. I mean, I still have a hard time allowing someone I’m interested in to tell me that I’m cute or pretty…I just find it very weird lol! Any regular Joe can say it…but when it’s someone I’m digging its like “What…you think I’m cute/funny/smart? You’re weird” when in reality it’s me that’s weird.
I think it’s the fact that whenever guys would say it…something bad was always bound to happen…or that my on again off again boyfriend NEVER told me these things. And don’t get me wrong…I know I’m cute and funny and all that good stuff…there’s just something about an guy I like saying it to me that makes me think he’s a liar.
Now that I have really started to follow my dream of becoming a columnist, I have a hard time when someone tells me they like my work. For the 5 reviews I have done so far for the Brain of BMW, I’ve gotten 5 emails praising my work…yet I still think it’s not true. I feel like how can the girl who has no type degree and always failed her spelling test in grade school be a good writer. That doesn’t happen, at least not in my world. I’m surrounded by friends and family members who are college graduates, and they barely have their shit together in their field of study…there’s no way that me “the almost didn’t graduate high school/college dropout” can put together a great review or even a good blog post on my personal blog that people would actually like.
So imagine my shock when I was asked to join Brain of BMW. Now I know to some it may not be a huge break…but to me this is my world right now. The opportunity to put my work out there is greatly appreciated. I just have to learn to take it for what it is the bad and the good.
So this summer I made a promise to put myself out there more and become the social butterfly I always admire my sister to be. I want people to know not just my work, but me as well. But this has been a difficult task for me…for I am incredibly shy and very self doubting. To a lot of people this may come as a surprised, because sometimes I can do the most when I’m out lol. But that’s usually because I’m surrounded by people I know and trust.
Things have changed now, friends have moved away or started families or just not into the same scene that I am in, so I find myself more and more as of lately going to events, shows and parties alone. And that means socializing with people at events who most likely already know each other. This is scary to me…lol! I know it seems funny, but it is. Even when I was little socializing wasn’t my strongest point. I was always the girl in the corner drawing by herself or in my case writing poems, stories and songs.
I rarely stepped out of my comfort zone, just simply out of fear or rejection. And still till this day I still think everyone hates me the first time that they meet me, which usually ends up far from the truth. *sigh*
I’m afraid of rejection, and that is something that I have to work on and get over if I want to write and do things that involves producing a product that will be read and judged by the masses. It’s finding peace within me and being ok with who I am. It’s a daily struggle, and at 26 I’m still learning how to cope with it. But each day it gets easier and I get wiser.
So if it involves my love life, work life or personal good or bad…failure or success…I will be able to move on, learn from it and continue. It’s a process and I’m moving one step at a time. There are a few events coming up in the next couple of weeks that I want to make an appearance at, so let’s see how I do!
Wish Me Luck! *fingers crossed*
SN: Picture was found on We Heart It