Maybe It’s Me…

 

So if you are a regular reader of my blog, Tumblr, Instagram and definitely my Twitter account or maybe even all four of them…then you are very aware that I am very single. It’s probably one of the things I complain most about. For this…I am sorry, but I can’t help it…I am a relationship type of gal!

I have been involved in my share of crappy relationships, and now that I am 27 and soon to be 28 in like 4 short months I am SOOOO ready to find a nice man to settle down with. I graduated from high school in 2004, and since then I have seen at least 5 or 6 classmates, teammates and people I grow up with get hitched, and a few even start their own little families. Then there’s me *womp womp*, I can’t even really say that I have been in a real serious relationship. Yes there was the proposal via text from my on again off again then ex boyfriend while he was in the military…but that was short lived due to the fact that he thought he impregnated a young woman while he was stationed in Cali…yes I have horrible taste in men. But back to what I was saying, I have no idea what it means to be in a grown-up relationship. You know like when the relationship doesn’t have to be a secret…or if date night doesn’t always consist of sitting on the couch watching Netflix and then having your brains bang out only to do it all over the next day. It’s also the type where you both equally exchange gifts of gratitude and “just because”…and your birthday is not a negotiable event. I long for the day when I can share mushy pictures of me and my guy on Instagram and change my Facebook relationship status to “Courtney Lynn Keeton is in a relationship with Seriously A. Guy” and the A is for AWESOM…until then I continue to keep kissing a bunch of frogs that just turn into nothing but even bigger toads. And when I do think that I may have something that resembles a relationship it blows up on me, and I find myself being the only one with a face full of shit.

After things constantly not going my way, I seriously had to pause for a minute and ask myself “Why do I keep ending up butt hurt over horrible horrible guys?” “Why am I constantly getting lied to and cheated on?” and the worst thing I ever questioned was “Maybe I’m not capable of being loved…MAYBE IT’S ME?” Now don’t get me wrong…the “Maybe it’s me” question is a very plausible question to ask oneself, but in this scenario its not. What has happened is that I’ve allowed all of these negative relationships to cause me to question if I deserved to be with someone who wanted to see and make me happy. Like I seriously started to feel that I can’t be loved, and for god sakes that’s a horrible way to go thru life…feeling like you are unworthy of love. So if you’re reading this and you happen to be feeling this way…STOP IT RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!!! Each and every one of else is worthy of being love…we just have to stop giving ourselves to people who have no real intentions or just plain don’t want to love us or even for a matter of fact like us.

If you’re anything like me and my girls, we are VERY giving, so giving it’s to a fault. We seem to have this mindset that if we give this and give that he’ll see how awesome we are and love us right…but we always end up WRONG AS FUCK! What happens is said dude ends up with all these awesome gifts from us, and when I say gifts I don’t mean only material or tangible gifts…I mean gifts as in just US period as a whole. We give them all this emotional support, mental support, spiritual support, sometimes financial support and if you’re like me you even give them great freak nasty ass sex…but they still aren’t happy and end up leaving or going off to “figure out what it is that I want” right? Well when this usually happens and I go complain to my mom about it… and you know what she always tells me, she says “When will you get it Courtney, these guys that you seem to get so hurt over…never really liked you! You’re an awesome girl, and make a hell of a girlfriend…just not for him.” So you see it doesn’t matter how much you do for someone…if he doesn’t like you…he doesn’t like you. So now that I’ve said that, I want to say this…IT’S NOT YOU…it’s him.  And it always doesn’t have to just be that he doesn’t like you, it can also be that he just too damn immature and can’t fucking handle all this good shit you’re throwing his way…and when I say throwing I don’t just mean the box(LOL). Some guys just aren’t ready for it, and yes it sucks when he seems to be all READY with the next girl…and in that case…it was you, but not in the YOU as in “You can’t be loved” you…it was more of what I said earlier with the whole he just doesn’t like you like that statement…if that makes any sense. AND THAT’S OK…what’s not ok is allowing him and any other crappy guys to bring you down and cause you to question your ability to be love. With that said…

I don’t know everything, I don’t want to sit here and act like I know all the answers…and I’m not saying that this blog post holds weight for everyone…but it does for me. But what do I know, I’m a 27 year old single black female who’s just reflecting on past mistakes and finally starting to get it. That’s All!

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