I’m starting to realize that when it comes to relationships…I am my own worst enemy. I tend to get in my own way, my best hater.
I’m building something new with a guy that began rather quickly. Never have I had someone who is so honest with his feelings, so true with his words and not one bit embarrassed to tell me how he feels not only about anything but for me as well. He’s like everything I’ve been trying to pull out of these other guys…and yet I’m still not impressed aka “Happy”. Why is that? Like what is wrong with me that I can’t allow this dude to do what I’ve been wanting all my past dudes to do.
For example, last night he asked me a simple question…”What about me makes you feel that you can trust me?”. What my answer should have been was something like…”You make me feel safe…”, “Cause I feel like I can be honest with you…” Or even “Cause I want you to trust me..”. NOPE…I SAID NONE OF THOSE…instead my answer was “I’m not in the mood for sentimental shit, I’m watching basketball!”
BITCH WHAT THE FUCK? Like since when have I cared about some damn NBA, now if it was college ball, and it was my team Duke vs NC…then maybe I could see me saying that…but it was the Lakers against Golden State…I couldn’t even tell you a players name on Golden State. Yet I found it necessary to shut him down like that. Now granted…he busted them biscuits open a short 30mins later after I finished what I was eating, so I guess he wasn’t to moved by my statement. But I was sitting here thinking…what if he was. What if I just fucked up all the good shit that could possibly happen with him because I’m to scared to allow him in. I’m too scared to let him know I care…I’m too scared he might leave.
He has no idea but all last night I kept thinking about how things were going to end with us. Or I was thinking if he was mad at me about last night. Lately no matter what he does I seem to be “not impressed” with any of it, when really I’m in awe of everything he does. I’m amazed how he’s overcome such diversity and still continues to follow his dreams when most people would have quit, moved on and given up.
You see I know what it’s like to have a dream, what it’s like to want something so bad that you become so involved in it that you’re blind to others around you. Yet I can’t seem to allow myself to relate to him. He doesn’t know this, but I went and listed to his old work, and his word play to me is pretty fucking amazing. And it’s crazy to see how much he has grown in his passion for music. I only hope people see half the growth in my writing that I see in him as a rapper. Yet…a part of me is embarrassed that I feel this way for someone who is a mere mortal like myself. How can I be so infatuated with someone who has been in my life less then a month yet he will forever be a memory I hope to keep forever. Better yet why is he so comfortable around me to let me in and listen to such a important part of his being. Why me?
He does all of this, and I’m still not impressed…at least that’s how it looks on the outside. When really in the inside I’m twerkin’ with excitement for all his shit. Just another example of allowing my past to dictate my future and my sorrows to shine brighter then my happiness. I guess now that I have identified the problem the next step is to try an rectify it. Maybe I’ll even let him read this post before I actually post it…or better yet I’ll just tell him how I feel in person. Either way I need to fix things with him…and make sure I catch myself before I wreck myself.
****FYI: I waited to post this until he got to read it first. Took him 2 days to read it, but he finally did…and he loved it****