One thing I have learned to love and appreciate more then anything is my alone time. Now I wasn’t always this secure with being by myself, rather it was without being in a relationship or without friends when I was younger I hated the idea of being alone. I use to always surround myself with some type of company, the only downside to that is that when just allowing anyone in your space you tend to allow more negative people who are always looking for opportunities to take advantages of lonely people such as my younger self, then people who genuinely want to be there for you.
Now at 30 I realized all the negative situations I allowed myself to get into because I was desperately trying to fill an empty void, to fill that missing space…to feel the same type of completion my father gave me before he passed away. So I let a lot of people mostly boys who took advantage of my kindheartedness and my willingness to always help those when I can. I found myself paying for things, offering rides and going out of my way more times than not. I would want to makes them happy at all cost even if that meant I really didn’t want to dish out money, or give them a ride out to who knows where while not only putting myself in danger but also being emotionally let down as well.
As I got older I learned to say “NO” more often and with assertion. I learned to stop feeling guilty for saying no and allowing others to make me feel guilty for saying no. And you know what happened when I started saying “NO”…people or should I call them users started to leave me alone. And I started to find myself spending more alone time and having to deal with myself. During this time I did a lot of crying and a lot of talking to myself as well as a lot of writing. This is when I first started getting into blogging as well, soon I started a blog of my own.
At first it was a struggle because I had to start figuring out what characteristics as a person that I needed to get rid of and what I needed to work on and which ones I needed to embrace and hold on to. As time went by I started to not only get accustomed to being alone but I also started to really enjoy my alone time. I started to use that time to learn to be ok with who I was, my looks, my personalities, my strengths and my weaknesses…all that alone time give me the space to fall in love with myself.
Now I’m not going to sit here and say, that I’m now this enlightened human being and that I’m one with myself and full of all this self love…cause I’m not. I still want a purposeful and meaning relationship with a man. I still have my moments when I’m not happy with myself or when I wish I wasn’t so emotional or didn’t get my feelings hurt so easily. But then I remember that all theses traits make me who I am, and I wouldn’t want to change any of that. Even though some people hate that I’m emotional and get hurt easily…I know that someone will find my heart and my kindness appealing and will appreciate me. Until then I’ll just enjoy my alone time, fill the time with more writing, more positive reinforcement and more of things that make me happy…like shopping lol.