I feel like I’m living in a constant state of perpetual heartbreak. When it comes to making sure my relationships work/last…it’s obvious that I’m missing something. I know the blame doesn’t completely fall just on me, but I’m also not sure what it is that I need to fix.
My mom and sister think I’m too nice. I blame that on being on the wrong end of bullying and my loving dad. My ex and previous guys I’ve dated would say I don’t know how to forgive and let go…well I blame that on them and their constant actions that proved that forgiving never stopped them from lying and cheating again. I would say it’s my anxiety/depression that leave me with the constant thought that maybe I alone is just not good enough…and well for starters deep down I know that’s not true and I’m currently working on changing my way of thinking when it comes to how I feel about myself. And well I guess until I can figure out all these things I should probably give relationships a rest.
But I’m human and I, like many of us, I too want to have what is considered a basic human need and that’s love/belonging. And yes I understand that I get great amounts of love from my family and friends, and I also understand that self love is important. I love me like Kanye loves Kanye…anxiety/depression and all that comes with me. I’m also aware how important it is to seek a relationship with God…I promise I get all of that. But at 31 I want more then just self love and love from my family and a never ending relationship with God. I want a relationship that is mine and only mine…not one that I’m unwillingly/unknowingly sharing with another women. I want the relationship that I deserve, and not just one where I find myself giving more then I receive.
If this post seems a little off, well that’s because it started off as just a simple Facebook status that grew legs and took off into the land of feels. So I figured I would share it here instead.
Thanks for listening.