So…I’m finally sitting down and starting this blog post. Who knew it would be this hard to talk about something I’m so open about and living with on a daily basis. But I guess that’s one-way mental illness seems to work, at least for me that is. It seems to always find a way to make even the simplest task extremely difficult. With this blog post, I wanted to share with you all what my Depression & Anxiety looks like from my point of view.
Recently a lot of people have been telling me how good I have been looking lately. Not knowing what’s really been going on with me behind closed doors. Behind the cute selfies, and motivational quotes on my IG…I have been fighting my own personal battle with depression and anxiety. Some days are good, like when I scored some cute high waisted jeans from Plato’s closet that made my ass look amazing. Or like a few weekends ago, I got to spend it with this amazing guy and spent the Monday after laughing and recapping with my girlfriends what happened. Then there are the bad days when I couldn’t even bring myself to get out of bed. I had to take some time off of work and I hadn’t taken a shower in days. Not only did I not have enough money to really do anything, I couldn’t even muster up the energy to go to therapy. I was curled up in bed and found myself crying over my last “situatuonship” once again. Thoughts of being a failure polluted my brain. I kept blaming myself for allowing someone to once again turn my little world upside down and allowing someone to have so much power over me in such little time. I racked my brain with thoughts about what I could have done better, and what I shouldn’t have put up with. Things I should have called out immediately and things I should have looked past.
For me, Depression and Anxiety can look like this crappy weekend, but the dangerous part about them both is that they also come in many other forms. Some I can hide, especially now that I work from home, like not taking daily showers or crying in my bedroom where no one can hear me. I can fake that I’m getting in shape when really I lost the belly fat due to me not eating. And then there are the ones I can’t hide nor do I care to, like when I leave the house looking like complete shit. Or when my bedroom is a whole mess and I don’t even care to clean it up. Me not coming outside or spending time with my friends is another easy way to spot that I’m going through something.
When it comes to just my anxiety, my anxiety has a way of taking over my thoughts and making me feel like everything is going to go wrong, or that I’m a bother to people, especially when it comes to the person I’m dating. Recently through the help of therapy, I’ve started to realize that my anxiety has been brought on more when I’m getting to know someone. I tend to think when I like someone they will leave me…walk out on me like everyone else has, regardless if they haven’t even made me feel like they are. Like everything can be going great, but in the back of my head…there’s always that thought that “He’s going to get annoyed” “My breath probably stinks and he’s not going to want to kiss me” “My underarms prob stink, and he’s not going to want to be by me”…thing like that. Yes I know it sounds wild, but that’s how it is sometimes.
As for my depression, my depression is never too far behind when my anxiety makes an appearance. I feel like, for the most part, my depression is dependent on my anxiety to be really effective. Like if I can get my anxiety under control I can keep my depression at bay, it’s also easier for me to realize that I’m in a depressed state when I can keep my anxiety under control. But when I am in a deeply depressed state, I lose all interest in things I like to do, like going shopping, doing my makeup and blogging. Normal things I enjoy become a daunting task that I don’t enjoy doing, it almost becomes a chore. Normal things like taking a shower, eating and cleaning become aggravating and difficult to complete, which means I don’t do them as often as I should. And as for writing, even though I have so many thoughts running through my head, trying to get myself to sit down and write them down seems impossible. My anxiety tells me that whatever I’m writing doesn’t make any sense and no one wants to read anything I have to say, while my depression just has a hard time getting out of bed to get my laptop that is just on the other side of my room. Another easy way to spot my depression is when my phone is nowhere near me, I’m missing off social media and I’m not responding to any of my texts, emails or phone calls. Being an up and coming blogger this can be very detrimental to my growth because If I’m not checking my emails or social media messages I run the chance of missing out on opportunities that can help me grow. I wish I could sit here and tell you that this hasn’t happened that often, but then I would be lying. And because my anxiety can be so crippling with self-doubt I end up not reaching out to them after not responding to them over a long period of time out of fear they will reject me.
Being that I’m such an open person, it’s hard for me to hide when my anxiety and depression has taken over my daily life, which can be a good and bad thing. It’s a good thing because it’s easy for my friends and family to notice when there’s a change in my appearance, daily habits and attitude. And luckily when they do notice a significant change they are able to call me out on it and be there for me when I need the support the most. The downside of that is that, well everyone can see when I’m not in the best place, and even though they are trying to help out by approaching me about my current state, I don’t always want to be bothered with it. Especially when I think I’m doing a good job at hiding whats going on and how I’m feeling. Also sometimes I rather avoid discussing what’s going on with me cause again, even though I know they are just trying to be there for me and support me, I really don’t want to hear their opinions on things. Sometimes I just need an ear and instead, I get unsolicited advice. Another bad thing about being such an open book is that people who may not have my best intentions in mind can also tell when I’m feeling a certain type of way and use that against me as well. So when I’m feeling low, something they may say that would never bother me any other time, may put me in a state of anger and depression that can take days for me to get out of. And even tho I’m getting better at spotting people who are purposely trying to hurt me, it still bothers me and hurts my feelings. But thankfully I have friends and family that have my back and are always there to ensure me that what is being said about me isn’t true or isn’t worth spending energy and time on.
Because my depression and anxiety is so complex there are times when neither of them looks anything like what I just talked about, which means I could sit here and talk about this for days, but being that I’m sure no one is trying to read a novel right now I’m going to save that for later. I hope that this post can help some of you who are struggling with depression and anxiety like I am. I’m learning that if I can take notice of my feelings and actions when I’m going through my depression and anxiety I can take better control of my feelings, actions and emotional state. Again I can go on and on about this subject, but for today I’m going to end it here. I will be talking a lot more about my mental health as well as subjects dealing with mental health on this blog a lot more in the future. I hope to make this blog a safe place where I and others can come to discuss things dealing with mental health, as well as lifestyle, makeup and other things we all enjoy as well.
Also, I know I’m not the best at keeping up with being consistent with my blog here, but I have a lot in store for you guys, so I hope you guys continue to stick around. But before you leave this post, let me know in the comment section below what helps you recognize when you’re in a bad mental state and what do you do to get out of it. Also if you have any tips on how you deal when your mental health is low, leave them below as well.
And as always, thank you so much for continuing to support this here blog of mine, it means everything to me.
Peace Yinz Guys