***This is my first post for a new blog series I will be calling Mental Health Monday where I share my journey to healthier mental health. I hope you not only enjoy these post but take something as well.***
I have a horrible habit of over-explaining and trying to force people to understand what I’m trying to say. Especially when it comes to the men I’ve dated. So what is I trying to make sure there is no miscommunication or misunderstanding on how I feel, comes off as me being crazy. I’m not sure why or when exactly i started being like this, but recently it was brought to my attention and well I was taken aback at the thought of someone thinking I’m crazy. Now…don’t get wrong I can be very passionate when it comes to my relationships, in the sense, I put my all into it. Which is probably why I find myself over explaining my thoughts and feelings, instead of maybe taking a step back and seeing if that’s what he wants to hear at that moment. I’m sure this stems from my fear of breakup/being dropped like I have been so many times. So I feel like, if he knows exactly how much I care about him or how much something affects me…he’ll then understand and this will all end well. I never take into consideration his feelings or his thoughts or his opinions and not because I think I’m right and he’s wrong…but because I get so scared i just start vomiting at the mouth with my emotions. Continue reading “Mental Health Monday: Over-Explaining”→
“Rule number 1, get the money 1st. Rule number 2, don’t forget to get the money!” ~ Young Dolph
Now if you’re like me you may have rolled your eyes at this being the opening line of of yet another basic ass rap song. I mean at 31 I haven’t really been impressed with any of the new rap artist. Outside of the clubs and lounges I sometimes visit I really don’t listen to much of it. But while at work, two days after the elections this song popped up on someone I follows snap, it was just the chorus, and it caught my attention because for the past couple of days it has been my exact thought.
I feel like I’m living in a constant state of perpetual heartbreak. When it comes to making sure my relationships work/last…it’s obvious that I’m missing something. I know the blame doesn’t completely fall just on me, but I’m also not sure what it is that I need to fix. Continue reading “Perpetual Heartbreak…”→
2015…what can I say? Only half way through the year and I feel like I have been through a lifetime of positive events. Learning to let go and let live, to ignore your enemies and to see the greatness in not only others, but also the greatness that is myself. Continue reading “2015, So Far So Good…”→
As much as I want you around, I’m not sure if you’re suppose to be here. So I texted you that I’m a leave you alone, and I’m a do just that. You know how to find me. But until then I’m a just let you rock out. Like Crystal said “If he’s suppose to be here, he’ll be here.” I guess I just need to trust that you know what you want, I just hope what you want is me.
It hurts to have to let someone go in hopes that they’ll return. Sometimes it’s for the better(Daddy) and sometimes is for the worse(Nate). But you…I don’t want to have to let you go. Shit if I could see you everyday I would. We just drive each other too crazy…or maybe it’s I just drive you crazy or it could be the other way around.
You make me feel wanted and special, you make me feel like a woman. And for a girl who grew up spending her early teens wanting to be a boy that’s a big deal. So when I tell you I want you around I mean that shit. I mean that shit from my core, and I’ll keep meaning that shit. But I guess it’s a process, and I have to trust the process. I have to trust that you know best.
***I wrote this earlier today while on my way to work***
Since I haven’t blogged in a min…I guess it’s fitting that I hit you up with a few updates and some inspirational thoughts that I’ve been repeating to myself to keep me from going off the deep end. So where to start….
Lets see, well my 27th birthday came and went with not a lot of fan fare. My sis hooked me up and my best friend since grade school made reservations for us at this cute restaurant not to far from where I stay.
As for my love life…I tried rekindling an old flame already knowing that I should have stomped it out and smothered it instead. Everything happened just like I knew it would…I came…I fell hard…and I got shitted on…kicked out…ended up being very ratchet outside his apartment screaming his name…then forced to walk home in shame! LOL…now even though I’m super bummed about it…I only have myself to blame. I mean I know that he had his ways and I had mine, so I know that it wasn’t going to work…but the hopeless romantic in me told me to give it one more try.
And in between that…I thought I would try my hands at trying to “get to know” someone in another state(since me and said guy from here weren’t in a “committed relationship”)…well that didn’t work out either. I can’t stand a guy who is overly aggressive and overly sexual…just a huge turn off for me. So he ended that with a “Just pretend that I’m dead” and a “CLICK”…he was way to DRAMATIC for me at that point!
So now I’m here, siting on the bus on my way to work wondering how I can turn all this negativity into a positive before I sink more into depression…and well I’m not exactly sure how to do that yet.
But I do know there are a lot of changes I’m hoping to make during the summer, and I know that I want to move to a different state and I want to go back to school…I also want to fall back in love with writing and music. So with all these things I have lined up on my “To Do” list, maybe I should use all this negative energy as fuel to cross off everything on my list by the end of the summer!
I don’t know, but I do know writing this here on my iPhone feels really good…nothing like letting out your emotions for the public to read and scrutinize LOL!
Oh and here’s an inspirational/positive quote:
“Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most”
When shit gets to real…I run. I’m a runner…what can I say? I rather just leave then have to deal with the disappointment that may or may not take place, and well really I rather not find out…Good or Bad.
I’m so use to things not working out that when they do, I usually find some way to fuck things up… subconsciously of course…but it’s still my fault. Continue reading “I’m A Runner…”→
If you follow me on twitter, you may have noticed that my tweets have been a lil “down in the dumps” per say. Some may know why…and some may not know the story behind my so “BLUE” tweets.
I’ve been wanting to blog about it for the last couple of days, but I didn’t know how to without having to tell the whole story. Yes, normally I have no problem leaving it all here on the pages of my blog…but this is just really to personal to spew all over the interweb lol.
So I was just laying in bed when I started to think about how I could get this off my chest without causing anymore regrets…regrets…REGRETS…THAT’S IT! With everything that has happened…and it mostly being my fault(mostly)…I’ve been beating myself up about it. “I should of said this…” or “I shouldn’t of done that…” have been racking my brain day in and day out. They’ve even made their way into my dreams Continue reading “My 1st Experience With Regret…”→